Monday, October 22, 2012


Meet Amy.
She's 36 and daaaaaamn is she sexy. Those legs would wrap around your neck like a grizzly bear's forearms and choke you the fuck to death in less than 10 seconds flat.
But you'll like it.
Then she'll beat the shit out of your warm corpse and take her tits out and wag them in your dead face and laugh. You probably won't mind that too much either. Ever more, you won't give a shit when she ends the night by cleaning out your wallet while you lay on the bed all rigor mortising and shit.
You'll have to wait until June 27, 2013 to have any of these experiences, though.
That's the year she's finally released from her Las Vegas prison cell.

Here we have Jenny.
She's 24 and currently serving out the last few months of her prison sentence in North Carolina.
Look at those eyes. Crazy, right? But it's a different kind of crazy than the one you men are probably used to. Unlike most girls who get all dramatic and shit when you come home late from the bar, Amy will probably burn your fucking house down and then murder you. I dunno what it is, but there's something hot about that.
(Bonus points to Jenny for wearing a bra in her profile picture!)

Meet Maeghan and her fabulous 20-year-old titties. What the fuck is it with 20 year olds and their tight bodies? I mean, look at that skin.
It's absolutely perfect.
She's like a painting.
Don't let her unblemished skin, perfect smile and C-cups fool you, guys. This one's in the sin bin for 2nd degree murder, so you'll have to put up with conjugal visits only for the next eight years.
But that seems to be more of a positive than a negative, no?

Caitlin, 21, is a Jill of all trades: hairstylist, piercing artist, and criminal. Though, the only vocation I really give a shit about is the exotic dancing she lists as "career" before her incarceration. She's a smart, good girl who just happened to get caught up with the wrong people.
I'd be her bad influence any day of the week!
Have you ever heard the term "arresting blue eyes"?
I assure you, the irony of this sentiment is not lost on 23-year-old Ana.
She's due for release from her Las Vegas prison digs sometime in 2014.
Nicknames: "Hollywood" or "Vogue"

I gave SERIOUS thought to making Jennifer my #1 pick on this list, merely for the fact that she's dressed up like a fucking prison guard in her profile pick. How fucking cool is that?
At 39, she'd give any 19-year-old chick a run for her money.
Only six months away from her Nashiville prison release, fellas.
Turn-ons: Men with grey hair.

Jillian is 31 and if the tattoo on her forearm is any indicator of what you're getting into by dating her, then be ready.
(Note: it reads "Beautiful Disaster").
She loves to travel, though I don't think she'll be going any further than the prison yard for the next two years. If you're hoping for some face time fellas, then you're shit-outta-luck for the next six months.
Though, that's subject to change when her visitation rights come up for review in six months.
Turn-ons: Airshows and rollercoasters.

Anna, 28, seems like the kind of woman you'd love to bring home to meet your parents. Though, that opportunity won't be available until at least 2014.
She looks innocent enough, but there's something slightly evil behind her gaze that screams "I'll cut you" if you dare cross her.

Claudia fits the bill for what every guy loves about a part-Cuban, part-El Salvadorian chick: Beautiful face, passionate lover, great body and fucking bat shit "I'm-gonna-cut-your-dick-off-and-feed-it-to-you" crazy.
Only 30, Claudia has quite a few more years left to steal hearts and the balance of your bank account.
Release date: June 2013.

Cynthia, 37, is a former fetish model, actress and makeup artist.
Though, she had me at fetish model.
She has just six months left at the bad girls club in California. She calls her stint in prison a "bump in the road" and she's open to suggestions about where her life takes her post-incarceration.
The romantic in you should be interested to know that Cynthia is released on Valentine's Day next year!

All photos and information for this TOP 10 were taken from

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