Friday, May 3, 2013


     Everyone knows that cyclists hate cars and cars hate cyclists. But did you know that there's something cyclists hate more than cars? No? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: cyclists HATE other cyclists. Especially these types that you'll inevitably run into in a bike lane near you this summer:

You'll sometimes see this person in the morning, peddling along and weaving in and out of the bike lane. No, they're not drunk. They've just chosen this time as the best possible moment to take the term "eating on the go" literally. Some of the shit I've seen people shove into their mouths while riding a bike would blow your mind.

If you're under 25, this is probably you. Yeah, I get it. You're young, you're untouchable and more importantly, the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album is darn great for a sunny day. Though Karen O may be in pretty good form, she won't protect you from getting hit by that cement truck you failed to hear creeping up from behind you. If you're over 25 and still listening to music through headphones while riding down busy city streets, you're just a fucking idiot.

One, or should I say two, of the most callous and oblvious of all cyclists you are likely to see riding on a busy city street. Sometimes referred to as "conversational cycling", these two ride side-by-side in the bike lane making it nearly impossible to pass them ... even though they are usually riding at a snail's pace.

Although you're more likely to get in a car accident than a cycling accident, these statistics are a bit misleading. Cycling accidents are kinda like plane crashes - they don't happen all that often, but when they do you're fucked. This is why seeing a parent riding with their kid strapped to the back of a bike in a child seat is kinda disturbing. It's one thing to ride with your kid on a sunny day through the park, it's a whole other level of idiocy to ride with your kid down a busy city street. Yes, yes. I get it. Parents will argue that they are careful. But it's not parents that worry us, it's that asshole driving a Lexus and talking on a cell phone one lane over.

Texting while driving is one thing, but texting while riding your bike down a busy street is a whole other ball of fucktard wax.

If this is you, I'll let you in on a secret. Every other cycllist hates your fucking guts. This is the slowest cyclist in the bike lane. Although you've already passed them three or four times already, they always find the best way to win the "race" is to overtake you whenever you're stopped at a red light.

These are some of the most annoying ones on the road. Mostly because they equate themselves to bikers, without having to use the energy required to actually be one. They pass you silently like fat, lazy ninja's while you are minding your own business in the bike lane, annoyingly oblivious to the fact that it's illegal to ride in the same lane as you.

The bike courier is punk on wheels. He/she doesn't give a shit about society or it's rules. Most importantly, they raise a middle finger to "the man" and loudly proclaim "fuck you" to all who'd try to fit them into a box. Not the brightest lights on the road, considering that they work as bike messengers ... which is the epitome of bitch work (for "the man", no less).

This person sometimes gets confused with bike couriers due to their general kamikazee nature and lack of respect for the rules of road. They run red lights and stop signs, don't yield to anyone and pass other cyclists dangerously. I'm not sure where their sense of entitlement comes from, but luckily these are the ones who get smushed by heavy trucks and run down by taxis - more than any other rider on the road.
This cyclist has decided that a normal bicycle isn't enough to express himself/herself as an individual. He/she REALLY needs you to know that they're unique like a snowflake. You'll see this idiot riding down a busy street with a bike in the shape of a chariot or a bike that looks like a lion or something stupid like that. I mean, really? If you see one of these types on the road, pull up next to them and poke a stick into their front wheel spokes.

The Bixi Biker isn't really a nuisance at all. In fact, he/she is actually the opposite. Many cyclists view them as inexperienced, which they can be. But, Bixi Bikers not only seem to know the rules of the road, they actually follow them to a T.

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