HAPPY BARFDAY, AVRIL

  I've really, really tried to avoid commenting on the news that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger announced their engagement a while back. But it's been eating me away from the inside. But then this video surfaces, taken during Nickleback's latest tour on Avril's birthday.

  How much do these two suck? And how pathetic is it that these two fucknuts are considered Canadian pop star royalty???

  And the even sadder part of it all, personally speaking, is that I'm unsure if Chad is a step up or a step down for Avril after having been married to that troll from Sum41.

  That question aside, two specific things make me want to barf all over myself and shit my pants at the same time:

• the thought that these cheesy assholes will one day procreate
• the fact that they actually seem like they are in love. barf.

PM PARTY CRASHER

  I'm not the biggest pusher for Prime Minister Stephen Harper or Canadian politics in general, but damn, this is kinda awesome. Taking a page out of Barack Obama's "How to be cool, laid-back and influence people" handbook, Harper totally crashed a wedding photoshoot in Ottawa on Wednesday afternoon. How fucking brilliant would it be to have this photo over your mantle for the random factor alone? Somewhere deep down, I hope he crashed the reception later on and played a kickass cover of The Beatles "Let It Be" on the piano.

SUBPOENA GOMEZ

  You know what I love about Justin Bieber? The lawsuits this dude illicits. Some of the prime points listed in the latest lawsuit by a man claiming to be Selena Gomez's "real" father:

•  "Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug."
•  "[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones."
•  "Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card."

FYI: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, defaces a Canadian Bear rug. Shame on you, Justin!

3 REASONS WHY DRAKE ISN'T HARDCORE

  I've never really been a fan of hip hop. Though, I've found that chicks LOVE hip hop beats. Even more, chicks LOVE to have sex to hip hop beats. Because of this, I've always had a Run DMC album in my CD player just in case I needed some added ambience for when I'm about to do my business with some babe. Throughout the years I've come to realize that Run DMC isn't the kind of "hip hop" chicks like to have to sex to.
  Anyway, as I've floundered to find a replaceable hip hop sex soundtrack I discovered Drake. First off, how the fuck did this nerd rise up the ranks to become one of the posterboys for hip hop? Second, how the fuck did this guy fool everyone into thinking he's hardcore? Note photo (above).
  So, to enlighten you all, here are 3 REASONS WHY DRAKE ISN'T HARDCORE:

1) Drake grew up in North York NOT Toronto. That's like someone from New Jersey telling you they grew up in New York City.
2) Drake is Jewish. And not the cool kind of Jewish either.  Unless you're in the IDF dealing with some Arab extremist motherfuckers carrying AK47s or blowing shit up with bomb vests, you ain't hardcore.
3) Drake is Canadian. Do I have to explain why this isn't hardcore?